And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
