Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
