Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
