Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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