sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
