she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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