I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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