this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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