Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
