Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
