Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
