Who wears a wallet chain?!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
