thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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