she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
