I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
