My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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