Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
