I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
