I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
