I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You dont lie about slip and slides
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
