dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
