??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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