Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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