ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
