So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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