Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
