Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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