Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
