Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
