i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
