he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
