allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
