I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
