I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
