i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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