Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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