i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
