I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
