mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
