Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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