i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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