the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
it's great music for shaving your balls
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
