By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I supernannyed him into submission
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
