I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
