After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
