I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
