he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
