my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
