Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
