god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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