I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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