Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
